Why Do people Feel Invisible In My Marriage

Why Do I Feel Invisible In My Marriage?

It’s hard to describe the pain of feeling invisible. Is invisible even a feeling? To many people, invisible is a devastatingly lonely feeling. Just imagine being in a marriage to someone who pays you no attention, who seems clueless about your most intimate needs and concerns, and who only interacts with you on a superficial level.  That’s what it’s like to feel unseen.

Believe it or not, most spouses don’t mean to inflict such misery onto the one they married. In many cases they’re simply emotionally un-attuned. Though this won’t make you feel better, it does offer a bit of clarity. People who are emotionally un-attuned have likely been that way all their lives. They’re often smart, successful, and even admired. They’re just not emotionally developed to the point that they know how to feel with you and see you.

And the reason they’re not developed is perhaps because no one invested in their emotional development.  And no one told them, “Some day you’re going to be in a very important relationship called marriage. And the person you marry will need you to connect with them beyond conversations about the weather, the kids, the checkbook balance, and what’s for dinner. “ Simply put, they’ve never been taught the importance of feeling deeply, expressing those feelings, and learning to tune into what their spouse may be feeling.”

So, is there anything you can do to help your spouse tune in emotionally, besides scream, cry, revolt, resign yourself to a shallow and invisible marriage, or file for divorce.? (I feel your pain.) Maybe. But I don’t suggest you begin with them.  I suggest you begin with you.

Not to sound cliché, but first begin telling yourself this truth: “God sees me and I matter to Him.” Re-iterate this affirmation of God’s love for you and His eye upon you according to Psalm 139:1-18. This truth will remind you that you are too valuable to God to be invisible to Him. He sees you, on purpose, and He sees you thru loving eyes.

Next, choose to love yourself.  We underestimate the importance of self-love.  But Christ commands us to love ourselves as a pre-requisite to loving others. But so often we neglect love for ourselves. We forget that we’re made in the image of God and that He wants us to value His image in us. Even if your spouse skims the surface of your amazing attributes and of your rich worth, you don’t have to. You have permission to love yourself. And you’ll only be able to love others … as you learn to love yourself with kindness, gentleness, affection, and healthy esteem.

So what about the spouse to whom you seem invisible? Invite them to a journey of discovering how loved they are. Invite them to discover what it means to be seen and to explore what it feels like to be loved.  Ask the simple questions: “How does it feel to be seen as valuable?  How does it feel to be loved?” Until they open up to being seen and being loved, they won’t be able to go deeper emotionally with you.

In the meantime bask in the fact that you’re seen by the One who is giddy with love for you and work daily on loving yourself

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